Pain is a powerful indicator of growth, and it can be changed with love. – Sanaya Roman
The primary reason I became a Life Coach is that, despite my outward success, I would often find myself in situations that triggered a great deal of emotional pain. Pain is something we all experience, but how we handle that pain sets the stage for what comes next – stagnation or growth.
Often when we are in pain, we place blame on other people or situations. Our hearts disconnect, and it feels like there isn’t a way forward. We become focused on being “right”, or we retreat and withdraw completely, becoming self-righteous in our pain.
Through my own studies and training, I’ve learned that pain is simply a message. With self-examination, it shows us the younger “fragmented parts” of ourselves that are closed off – aka abandoned or repressed – but these younger parts still part of our energetic make-up and need attention.
Painful interactions are a window into what beliefs we need to reconsider and where we need to grow. These “younger aspects” of our Selves are still reacting to current situations and people that seem threatening based on childhood situations that felt unsafe. These include times when, as a child, we experienced fears of abandonment, rejection, powerlessness, being falsely accused or misunderstood, etc.
As children, we develop coping mechanisms such as independence, people-pleasing, aggression or escapism to protect us and to try to get the love we need. As adults, these outdated fears and coping mechanisms sabotage our peace and relationships. Unconsciously, we project our fears and attributes onto others.
Mark came to me as a client when his relationship with his father had bottomed out. His conversations would predictably end in a shouting match over his chosen career path as a writer and his job prospects. Mark’s father felt it was important to choose a career path that guaranteed financial security, but Mark had decided to follow his own heart and intuition and pursue the career that fulfilled him.
Mark’s story is not unique. The frequent arguments with his father were displays of fear on BOTH sides.
During my sessions with Mark, we identified how his fear of failure and other insecurities were being triggered by his father’s questions. I asked Mark to think about his father’s “younger aspects” which developed during his own impoverished upbringing. Now Mark could wisely acknowledge that his father was just afraid for his son’s well-being and wanted his son to be secure. For himself, Mark realized that growing up he was always well-behaved and mature out of fear of disappointing his parents. He wanted their love and approval above all else.
After owning his fears and acknowledging that the pain triggered by his father had more to do with his own fear of rejection, Mark was able to begin the real work on himself and repair his relationship with his father. By approaching his father with empathy and love, he began to reshape the conversation and focus on how to receive his father’s words with an openness and kindness in his heart.
5 Steps to Shift Anxiety and Pain for Inner Peace
Pain always signifies major opportunities for growth. – Sanaya Roman
When we are hurt, the thing we want most is for others to listen. We want to be seen and have our feelings validated. When others cause us pain, we must realize that they are seeking the same things – to be seen and have their feelings acknowledged. By understanding this, we can begin to take a step back and change how we react to painful situations.
The important thing to remember is that we can control only our thoughts and reactions. When someone starts to blame us for their hurt or take their anger out on us, we block progress by firing back with the same tactics and perpetuating hurt and anger.
Cultivating awareness of our reactions can be hard at first, but as you practice it more and more, you will begin to transmute pain quickly and stay at peace.
Use the steps below as guidance to practice breaking the destructive cycle of defensiveness and withdrawal to find peace:
- The first step is acknowledgment. Make a note of a situation in your life right now that is causing you pain or hurt. Write it down or make a mental note.
- Connect with your mature, adult Self. Give yourself some quiet time. Create your own space, take some deep breaths, and ask your soul to reveal what you need to learn from this situation. “Why am I uncomfortable?”
- Break the response cycle. Look inside yourself and identify the youngest picture of yourself feeling this way. Be patient. When you notice a triggering childhood circumstance, gently tell this younger aspect of yourself that you, the Adult, are capable of handling this situation now. This insecure part of yourself can stop reacting and now relax. You, the Adult, will run the show.
- Reinforce a healthier, mature approach: The key here is to stay conscious when next triggered. Use this opportunity to respond from your most mature Self – with clear communication of your needs and your boundaries, and try to understand the other person’s intent is not to harm you. This takes practice – you are re-conditioning old patterns, but keep practicing! The reward is priceless.
- Reframe your relationship. Imagine the next time you encounter this person will be the last time you see them. Imagine your own strengths of compassion, love, and wisdom. What would you say to heal the situation and create a more loving relationship?
When you reconnect with this person in real life, avoid rehashing the situation, but sit in peace instead. Tell them that you know they did not mean to hurt you and you understand their position. This will not be perfect at first, but by slowly approaching pain with love, your relationship will heal and grow.
With time and practice, pain becomes something to embrace as an opportunity to become a more loving, open, and forgiving person. You will attain centeredness and inner peace. Keep practicing. The reward of higher self-value will impact every aspect of your life starting now.
If beings take responsibility for their emotional maturity, there will be peace on earth – Theo
Are you looking for more guidance on your journey to your best self?
I am one of only a few dozen people worldwide that completed an intensive six-month elite Soul Integration Certification program. This life-altering approach helps my clients to quickly find relief from pain, more peace in their hearts and comfort in their skin.
As my client, my Soul Integration Sessions will quickly shift your outlook and improve all your relationships starting with your relationship with yourself. You will feel empowered through learning to transmute all outdated patterns with self-love, and your life will come into focus through the new eyes of a higher self.
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